Will this pass?

I've started talking less, or rather stopped speaking as much as I used to, explains the staying away from blogging for a while. Its perhaps coz I don't feel like doing so or maybe just don't find the need to. There are times, rather phases in your life when you wanna talk, loud, to be heard, to be understood and others when you just want the silence to seep deeper, deep enough to your core to let all that has happened slowly engulf you. There are times when you lose your own grounding, the very thing that defines who you are, makes you feel yourself and then you don't want to speak up, you want it to stay, to heal it all you need to feel it first, sooner or later you know its coming to get you. You feel like holding your breath, to let it settle, to numb yourself, and the moment you let go, you feel it, a gash harder and deeper than you imagined. And then, nothing helps, talking the least. Much worse than it seemed at the surface. You tend to look around observe, you get to know people, things about them, the way you never did, you notice things about them, eventually about yourself. Surprised at your own gestures, what they convey, the way they do you wanna call all those words trivial, all those ever said or heard. Watching, feeling and reliving everything in my head, its another world coinciding with the reality that holds you, tries to grip you, losing grip and failing every moment. I know it'l be over soon, and the light isn't too far away, it won't be long before I 'speak up' again. Listening, watching, feeling, living there's not much that remains unexpressed, the eyes betray you more often than not, mindful of the rest of you. I wait, and wait longer to wake up to another day, another world, for the numbness, yet wanting more of this phase, of letting it pierce, shake me up and remind me of what I am. Or will this as they say just pass?

Beyond the window

Little as I was far far away,
Dreary and puffy eyed,
Beyond the windows it lay
I looked, I smelt, trying
To taste it in some way
Felt like an illusion
Of sleeplessness,
Long hours of prying
Until one day, I stumbled
Across reality,
The world they called ‘real’
A dream it seemed like
With those who rushed past, and
Those who wished to stay
Lurking inside, the pleasure of return
Staring at the window,
On the outside this once
Hopeful longing of
A past preserved
Wishing to turn around
To run, to leap into it
With every step taken,
Every addition to the distance
Blurred, yet sights of the window,
And beyond beckoned
Fast forward
I still look back, my eyes
Are weak with the strain
Of living, perhaps trying
Every act of,
Keeping oneself alive
Of treading on the same path
Outwards
Of losing ground, with every step
Of trying to fly,
To return to that day,
When the world outside, lay
Forbidden by the walls.

Wake up!

Ever done something outta sheer impulse? Ever just stepped out, left everything that was more than just important almost necessary and followed your heart? Ever felt the excitement that runs through you outta the unexpectedness of your reactions? You get back to the 'task' of life and realise, regret, look back at how things would be otherwise, yet take pleasure in your decisions, that little time when you could cut yourself off to do silly things and smile like a kid, like waking up to the sound of rain on your window sill and looking around giving yourself the liberty of a few more minutes of slumber when you can least afford to. Just being impulsive for a few minutes can make you feel so alive, so much different from the so-called lives we force ourselves into. Step out, feel the wind, everything can wait, but these moments.                P.S:- Thanks Caesar, it took that little push to wake me up :)                                                                    

Freedom

The winding roads, the narrow lil path
an endless expanse...
standing at the edge
atop the ruined abode...those heights
and all that lay below
felt a power, a strange line
the one between holding on and stepping over
I want to stand there and scream
to stay there and close my eyes
to feel the wind
to look down and not shiver
to stand there...somewhere so beautiful
in oblivion, myself, no thoughts
no memories rushin thru
to switch the mind away from sight
for flash seconds
like dysfunctional picture tubes
no craving to hear, to speak, to touch, to feel
to not wanna look behind
or forward.
beneath...there it lies...
freedom...

a new year

A new year they say
Wake me up, pinch me
Nothing around feels quite 'new'
Reminiscence, not quite
It still feels like yesterday

A lil surprise

It happens everytime, when nothing seems right. Of days of highs and lows, of days spent wondering why does everything always go wrong. On the worst of them all, when I am slowly giving up, giving in and letting it all go.
From miles across, out of sheer instinct.....and my phone rings.....a while a mellow...and things seem to get figured out. The transition perfect, like always, the smile to the genuine laugh. Regrets remain of a lot unsaid, of times that should have been, of things that should be sorted. But all comes later, those few minutes are of being lost, of laughing hard, of letting the tears trickle, of being the kid again.
Its enough to get me convinced, distances don't matter, not those measured in miles at least.

A 'merry' Christmas

For all those who know me and have spoken to me in the past month, have in some way or the other sensed the Christmas excitement, most of those who spend time chatting with me have jheloed (I coudn't find an equally appropriate english word) my puppy faced, looking for santa talks. It all began with the Christmas issue stories forced on me....the enormous 'Michael hunt' and the 'food story' which did turn out interesting. So, ya....this made the entire spirit seep in and make me wanna do something big this time. Began with a coupla Xmas gifts for family...stupid stuff that could be laughed on...red clothes for myself (read red with white polka dots :P)...a santa hat after all the effort in finding one for which I wasn't required to buy the sleazy, slutty Xmas dress(no offence)...
All this in place...and after all the doses of so called 'anglical talk' it was certain Xmas wasnt gonna be ordinary, not the Xmas meal in the slightest way. As they usually do, my tantrums helped, and in no time my folks were convinced I'l make them dinner that nite....despite the speculative yes from mom and her exploring 'disaster management' options at the back of her mind.
So that was that, Xmas eve began with the usual waking up late (trust me....it was 'late')...and a movie at night...which drove each of us to tears and stuff...never mind.
The 3 of us got back and when reached our gate exclaimed together....its Xmas....a few exchanged looks and we decided we should pay the city church a visit just for the 'feel' of the liveliness. Off we went, having not lived here, we(me and bro) realised we'd have to ask someone. Desperate call to mom, "Ma, where's the church?" With all the are you crazy why are you going there right now she replied giving up, "Turn right from the petrol pump and go to where the road takes you next to ******uncle's place".
Click ...and off we go...the right turn taken with utmost confidence after having spotted the petrol pump in pitch darkness. We had no idea what we were in for, shocked to see a colony with a maze of roads...we took the most likely direction....ad kept doing that for a while until we realised going on our instincts to find a church at 12:30 wasn't such a brilliant idea. The easiest way I said would be look out for the cross...with lights as I presumed it would be on Xmas eve. I recieved instant approval and was allowed to navigate following a light for a while untill bro discovered we were following a light that belonged to a TV tower. Giving up on me rolling with laughter at my own blunder he pulled over next to a poor Chowkidaar wrapped in I don't know how many shawls to ask "Bhaiya yahan church kahaan hai?"
To which he goes " Aap yahan kaise aa gaye?" I burst out laughing.
Bro goes," Bhaiya ab yahan se bataa do hum pahunch jaayenge".
"Go straight and turn left and you should find the church".
Obdeintly my bro goes straight down from where we met him....takes the first left and immediately after..takes the first left again...only to see the chowkidaar at a not-so-far from the car distance standing in the middle of the road and waving out with both his hands.
" Seedha jaake left fir seedha...fir left nahi...seedha jaane ka...yahan gol gol nahi ghoomne ka", he says...to which I burst out laughing...my bro quite offended with the remark spurted out without much realisation
"Par jaana kahaan hai?" and it sent all his audience rolling into laughter....included the poor chowkidaar...
After much effort....we reached a place...which had people crowded inside reciting prayers...numerous cars outside ...lights and stuff...we got out confidently and took a peak inside. It was just before stepping in that we checked the name at the door and paid a little attention to the interiors and saw idols of Hindu gods placed inside. Walking out in utter embarssment, bro gave up at the midnight Church idea...and I threw a few tantrums...nothing more than one puppy faced expression with a 'Please, it'll be nice'...we set out again....after about 20 more minutes of following all kinds of lights we spotted a familiar house...called mom "Ma, *****uncle ke ghar se church kaise jaate hain?" (and this uncle wasn't the previously mentioned uncle who lives almost opposite the church) Not realising we had had enough of being asked such questions ma answered "*****uncle ke ghar se church kisko jaana hai?"....thankfully without more than a few words of explanations mom guided us...we discovered not one but two of them in a while.
The fact that they were closed on Christmas eve didn't seem to matter all that much, having found them was an achievement in itself. A little look at the crib and the decorations outside and we were back on task 2...how to find our way back home...but that's another story...for another time...this one's been long enough.
And ya...the dinner turned out nice..'late' though...and slightly spicier or rather just spicier than what I expected...and needed a few glasses of something(read juice) to be gulped along...but all the same it was 'edible'.....good enough...aint it?.....