Sob sob

Two weeks of endless work, the search for all the Michaels in town and the torturing Catholic families to make them reveal what they plan to eat this Christmas, and the story doesn't come. Space issues they say and make you feel your work was good enough. Good enough?...not better than a few other good things(read ads) though. Sob sob....
Someone is leaving....more reason to weep....loads....
Are these reasons enough to spend the rest of the week(read year) spent lazy without any work ?:P...
Ah!...its Christmas....n I've had a christmas gift worth jumping with excitement about. Thanks to someone....though...Woh Mario mein kuch toh fight hai...jump karte karte har baar mar jaata hai...aur bhaashan deta hai....
Anyway...a merry christmas and hope I get something to stop the sobs for all the Bible reading I've done :P....

Life's little joys

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Home again

There is so much to rant about, so much that happens every day that I'm dying to write about, yet once the day is done you never feel the same....never strong enough to write the way you had wanted to.Something just feels distant, unreal and an attempt to create the feeling that once existed in you but faded, with time and settlet as pieces of visual memory, like those small parts of a movie that stick to your mind days after you have seen it. No I am not going to spend hours blogging about why I am not blogging about all that should be blogged about.Sigh!
Anyway, I suddenly have all the time, all the space and a better computer which doesnt eat up my words. Its a great feeling to see this hateful thing being nice to me. Its cold outside, not as cold as I'd like it to be but cold all the same. The wind feels nice, so do the blankets that keep you from it. Its time for all those things that feel good. The beautifully textured clothes, the hot coffee, the warmth of being indoors, the wind outside, the sunlight that feels good for a change, occassional though, the clouds...its all so beautiful.
I shall write, a whole lot, with a little more time at hand....the last few traces of work need to go away. Its been a while.....

crazy things

My throat is so so fucked, its funny I cant quite speak normally untill every afternoon. After more than a week I've finally decided to do something about it.I have a doc to see tomo.....I have developed a strange obsession with this set of tattoo pens that I bought for my 2 year old cuz and never gave it to him coz I loved them so much myself....but its real fun.....to just play with them and draw glittery cute things over your hands. I know I am sounding like I have lost my mind, perhaps I have....but see them before you conclude so :P. I am going for a play tomorrow.yayay!!!(dances away)

of wat i've been doing

Listening to Lazarus (over and over gain) and stars Die by Porcupine tree, The drugs dont work. Reading random crap on documentaries. Trying real hard to make one. Driving like thats the only pleasure I have. Watching arbit movies and trying hard to keep awake thru them. Finally got myself rid of a hangover that seemed to last forever.Sleeping, waking up in between random dreams with random thoughts to sleep and go 
back to them again. Going places alone, walking a lot, talking to myself, humming lazarus.....thats me for a while!

and time passes...

It takes a while for hope to seep in, for you to see the other side of things, to realise this is not it. Life takes its time to make you feel, to let it strike, to let it heal. Like those lights you drive past, sitting inside a car surrounded by just whats inside, comforted, numb and unmindful of what will rush in the moment you roll down the barriers. Sudden feelings are unwelcome, most feared, shocks, even surprises. You dread, you anticipate. Its all uneasy, never as comforting as something smooth and flowing, something thats no natural that you fail to realise its things happening one after the other. The links sometimes get so covered, so well hidden, their existence seems frail until you stop by to consciously piece them out. You wake up one fine day to let it hit you, to look back and see so much has passed. You suddenly wanna feel it all, every moment, nice or unpleasant, you just wanna feel it happen, feel it pass, not just watch it go while you remain numb. Your actions just dont feel like your own, something mechanical that just happens, which you probably could but for some strange reason exercise no control over. You talk but your words dont sound your own, you speak coz you gotta be spoken to. You live coz its a habit. Until the day everything crashes on you, all the time passed, all that has happened, every word spoken, every effect its brought along, but the transitions are missing. They just dint strike when they were to. All you know at the end of it is, you cant turn back, you cant feel it happen, and you cant watch it happen again. You just remain secretely glad of the time that has passed. Waiting for hope to set in, waiting to anticipate, to fear, to feel, the coldeness, the warmth.

it felt like a dream...

It felt like a dream all along...time flew...I was lost, consumed by what was happening. Every bit, powerful, visual beyond words. I felt like I was hit by something so hard, it would leave a mark on me for days and days to come.I could feel a tear trickle with every hand held. I wish to relive the moments, to let them pass slowly, to let them flow through me. It was over and I burst into tears, felt I had been holding them back for long. I just wanted to scream out, wail though my cheeks hurt hard. Wonder what it did to me, I still dont know why it felt so strong. Feels like waking up from a dream, like something I've lived through. Its an experience, a life lived, a painting as my friend called it......Babel...