'Hear yourself speak'....ever heard someone say this to you...perhaps yes...but how often does it actually make you think and do what it really means....said to me in a completely different context by an absolutely different person who probably has no relation to what I am talking about (or perhaps he does)...leaving it at that anyway...no direct relation...
But ya....I've tried doing that...speak out loud...not conscious of what you speak...but conscious while you speak those words...its alarming...especially now...
Sometimes you see a little....perhaps a lot of someone brush off on you...so much so that...when you speak those words you can almost hear them say it....jus the way you did...rather just the way they would have (the 'way' aint yours anyway)....like those conversations when you narrate something to someone...and both those involved in the conversation know the third person...its a picture that emerges in your mind...so perfectly imaginable...
Its this that I've been feeling lately...those words come out....and make me freeze the moment they do...and I wish I could say this aloud...but there are things that can't be understood...related to...but I feel like giving myself that lil whack and say....did you just say this?....and didn't it just sound soooooooooo like him.....so friggin like he'd have said it....ah!....this post is probably quite incomprehensible...but what the fuck...now that I've begun I guess I'll finish it to satisfy myself...
its very strange...n then you begin making efforts...to sound like yourself...all the time...and then it makes you try and shut yourself up...which is very very torturous for those like me who'd die without the yapping....actually not so true....but ya...thats how I am with most people...and I'd like them to know me that way....silence is more expressive...and works only wen someone fills it up without actually putting in those words....anyway...these are just diversions...blame my being completely disoriented...with those sudden highs and lows...the times in between these extremes make me wonder what I should be doing...
And again...there are things running thru your mind...like those mental flashbacks...split seconds at a time...n u seem to remember tiny things...gestures...looks given..exchanged...n they seem all muted...the words are a blurr...not all though...the words which felt like you'd remember them for a lifetime...but no...its not those...its those tiny things that remind you...its those things that come to you and make you relate them to every thing you say or do....every visual that your eyes witness...every thing that passes by...your thoughts just seem programmed to pick out of a particular slot and relate every moment to it...its just weird...
you really wanna erase that part of your mind...like it never existed...and skip to another...and start all over again...conscious....speculative...and yet everytime your words sound like its him who spoke them...it makes you smile...and every lil trip back into memory...gives you a rush...and you only wish your memory was more in your control...yet secretly hope it never really was...
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3 comments:
influences are bound to happen when in close juxtaposition with someone... The reason you are with him/her is because you do have some similarities already.. And you may feel its influence but it actually may be just an undiscovered part of you
not really...m not talkin about things u have in common...m jus talkin abt how u begin sounding like someone u r very close to or spend a lotta ur time wid....n wen u start noticing n being conscious of tht...which usually happens wen the person has left...thts the irony of it :P
I got what you were trying to convey... But my point is that the similar sounding happens because of again closeness and influences... It is still a part of you.. love it or hate it.. accept it or not..
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