Memory

' I don't wanna move a thing....
It might change my memory'... Dido

Amongst the many weird things I relate to.....I wouldn't move a speck to let those memories remain.

In monochrome

Someone said I should write...a little more readable, minus all those continuities...sentences, grammar driven. I am beyond repair, I am over writing to be read, reminds me of work. Work.. none now.
There's nothing predictable, the things you do, the results and whatever comes in between.
I love my home, I love the way it looks, I love how it screams out ME!! from every nook of it. I hate unlocking doors, doors that open into darkness and hardly a world beyond. I love noise, music sometimes sounds like a blurr, early after a sleepless night when you lie close to a speaker, maybe its just my disorientation.
There's nothing on my mind, except the thought of the next day, the new morning/ afternoon, the after-taste of the night and a tingling pain.
I can't define my needs, I've spent days in yonder, I've cried over and over in shock for someone I barely knew but can't ever forget.
I've walked out of a show coz I couldn't contain my tears.
Will I ever stop associating people with the places I see everyday, the clothes I wear, the sounds I hear? The distinct smell?
I want to write more often, I am sleepless enough. I want to sleep, but that's another thing.
The course of my life might forever change with the things I do today, now. I refuse to take notice. There's a passivness, in my voice. A detachment, it's a part of me. Nothing seems to deserve reaction. Its a world in monochrome, a life in black and white as he put it. Clear lines, hazy at the edges yet devoid of any bursts of colour that evoke reaction.
Days and nights are passing, quick, I want them to be fuller, fuller so I don't lose them so soon.

in love...again

Two months have flown, literally...work...forms a part of me...somewhere within...occupies my being my consciousness and fills the bits of the lack of it...its like living work...the life non- existent...
Hate to admit this...but I love the constant pressure...the paradox of each day....and the city..making me fall in love with itself...over and over again....at the end of everyday...
As immaterial as the person who said this to me would be I find it the truest ever....this city grows onto you...into your conscience in a way it's almost a fear gripping you...the thought of having to do without it....of things that make you connect and disconnect surpassing your own existence..
And sometimes the realisation strikes you at those moments you'd truly call nonchalant...a discussion...where I see myself defending it in a way I'd never do for something I held onto and would refuse to let go...
It is perhaps something about letting go that makes me fall in love...clutch harder...grow fonder...relive...recall...
I've loved...lost...broken...rebuilt...learnt....felt...thought...realised ..grown....and in everything it seems impossible to isolate...far from remove the city...the backdrop...its being...as patient as ever...waiting...perhaps longing for acceptance....like I did...
The small changes that came with everyday...make me sit back and notice....of the changes that developed in me...out of habit...and yet a certain consciousness that comes out of calling something my own.
I still have my share of cravings....of wanting to go 'home'....to a place where belongingness surpases the fondness...the viability of living with it....and its capability of fulfilling what I now call my needs.
It's a marvel...looking back at a day at the end of it...just one day...and the every little thing I've learnt throught it...the little warmth every thing/ person made me feel through it. The paradox of co-existence...the extent of it...boggles me...and yet it has turned unspeakable..more now than ever before...
A time when I felt expressing the difference in me was the hardest thing to do...has turned to one when the simple things that have crept into me have turned harder to express.
Concealed on the surface...like the charm of that first crush...that you fear might lessen when expressed...I refuse to open up with this long embedded - new found love
Art as it is...an inherent part of a being...is burried deep...in the core...in every aspect of the life of this place...spurting out at the edges in forms unimaginable...in ways that strike you and baffle you with how close you are really to it.
Observing your surroundings..in a large way enhances the learning..of yourself...of the hidden parts in you that need perhaps excavation which comes out of relating to an existence in front of you.
Enough and more...in all days has brought me to this...back to those times...I speak less...write lesser...the words cease when the boundaries of expression become seamless.
On a lighter side...I am at a loss of ways to describe how just a typical day leaves me at a high...
Its the signs....the exploring beyond my restricted physical boundaries...when I take a step ahead...and I am shocked at the lack of the anticipated fear...of the very little or no resistance I receive to them.
My room is back to its... paranomal...cleanliness deprived...paper littered...smoke filled state...I feel at home...
I am up at night...with a day ahead....and work enough to fill every minute I spend typing this....and I feel at ease...
The longings remain...the forgotten ones...the newfound ones...and I plan to blog more often...

Phew!

Its another phase...this too shall pass...like everything does....does it?..
There's very lil that stays till the end...how does it matter?...nothing does...

P.S:- Demands another drink( hands thrown up in the air)

this day deserves marking

Marked.

Read it.period

Read My Mind

On the corner of main street
Just tryin' to keep it in line
You say you wanna move on and
You say I'm falling behind

Can you read my mind?
Can you read my mind?

I never really gave up on
Breakin' out of this two-star town
I got the green light
I got a little fight
I'm gonna turn this thing around

Can you read my mind?
Can you read my mind?

The good old days, the honest man;
The restless heart, the Promised Land
A subtle kiss that no one sees;
A broken wrist and a big trapeze

Oh well I don't mind, you don't mind
Cause I don't shine if you don't shine
Before you go, can you read my mind?

It’s funny how you just break down
Waitin' on some sign
I pull up to the front of your driveway
With magic soakin' my spine

Can you read my mind?
Can you read my mind?

The teenage queen, the loaded gun;
The drop dead dream, the Chosen One
A southern drawl, a world unseen;
A city wall and a trampoline

Oh well I don't mind, you don't mind
Cause I don't shine if you don't shine
Before you go
Tell me what you find when you read my mind

Slippin’ in my faith until I fall
You never returned that call
Woman, open the door, don't let it sting
I wanna breathe that fire again

She said
Oh well I don't mind, you don't mind
Cause I don't shine if you don't shine

Put your back on me
Put your back on me
Put your back on me

The stars are blazing like rebel diamonds cut out of the sun
When you read my mind

And there's nothing more I can say...m speechless...tired...tipsy...sprained necked (ignore the patheticness of how i came up wid tht( n tht too)) neway... :P...

I am Bored....

Conversations

Conversations give me a high...real ones ...everything else is what I would call mere 'accompaniments'. They leave you calmer, softer and wishfull... losing ground into a strata above, differentiated, disconnected, dreaming....they make you heady

the transience of my thoughts

Like a few other things, I tend to get addicted to certain words for a while, not the kinds I speak over and over again just the ones I spend time deciphering, scraping their depths past every layer, its weird and I sometimes wonder if its only me. The most recent one being 'Transient', saying it to myself I marvel at how aptly it describes everything, everyone, a time, a place, life itself and how badly we actually wish it didn't exist. Maybe these thoughts are transient too. And we try so hard, mindful of the actual inevitability of the inevitable. Why don't we ever stop?

P.S:- Maybe I should stop. I am getting a lil too philosophical. I just need a drink :P

I am giving up on the 'titles'

Sometimes everytthing bites you...real hard....keep moving...and you look back at how much farther and quicker you've moved....i feel old as the unpredicitibility of everyday reduces

P.S:- And now I'll have to name this post...half the reason to why I give up on blogging so often...maybe thats why I can never get those headlines in place...its a pain

attempt to write a nonsensical post in a stupid senti mood

Okay...here's what it is...
For all those people who can't get past/ get their eyes off 'bad spellings'...to an extent that it feels like an illness...and then you are bombarded with all the being cynical at all times sorta taunts...
Frankly...its never hard...and I've found enough and more of my kind...even the ones...who pick the phone right up just to break the news to me...share the feeling...laughin no end and the unbearable urge of wanting to do something to it.
Its a fact, i haven't gotten past a single book without having spotted such 'mistakes'...
I touch the papers and my eyes are away from what I am reading and over one of these 'errors' in a fraction of a second...I have once spent all my time in a 'Copy Editing' exam highlighting spelling errors in parts of the paper that weren't required to be edited...leaving this at that...
The point is...I plan to make this list...list of the most amazing ones I've heard...read rather...there are a few I'l list done instantly...the ones that inspired me to dedicate a post to the cause....and ya...I plan to mention the source...the fun lies there...

Siniyars (the pronounciation couldn't get closer could it) - on an otherwise gujju 'lets make franship' kinda scrap...

On a restaurant menu- Fresh Lime Soda (Sweat/ Salt)...eeewww...really...but...where's the difference then? :P

On the same restaurant menu- Meet kadhai ...to which Dad shot an instant...Say hello to Kadhai...

There are others...like the tiny one I manage to notice everytime...on my way home from Chennai airport...Puncher Shop....seriously?...

These are all I can think of right now...dead of the night...add to them if you remember any...

The Brick Lane

And mum said, " But we are only women, what can we do?"....and I said, " Many things". - Brick Lane by Monica Ali
One of the most profound movies I've ever watched...
Completion isn't in a presence around you, in the lack of it or getting used to the lack, it is when you look back and smile at your present...at 'freedom'.

(The movie deserves a post in itself...coming up...)

Choices...none

Never got to choose...not when it mattered....happenings....happen...
this once....I decide....me....yet i feel...powerless....

In the name of?

I just discovered, playing games with Google, in some part of the country, actually some part of Orissa there exists a river I share a name with....and a valley by the river which is named the same.

I couldn't help but spill this out...trying as hard as I can to not be narcissistic....after all a similar name strikes a cord...n in most cases more than just that...

One mention of your name...could be another's too...and you wish to hear why it was in conversation.

We are all hungry for recognition, and once recognized approval...its constant...stays within us, defines our speech, action...even writing...

Its been a while, yet my face brightens up everytime I see my name in the papers, the excitement of every byline is still so unique, childlike....something I look at and smile...forgetting whatever was on my mind.....sometimes I like to wait till morning just to see the papers, my name...glance long enough to let the picture fix into my mind....just to sleep with that smile on my face...

What kind of world do you want?

What kind of world do you want?Think AnythingLet's start at the startBuild a masterpieceBe careful what you wish forHistory starts now... Should there be people or peoplesMoney, Funny pedestals for Fools who never payRaise your Army - Choose your SteepleDon't be shy, the satellites can look the other way Lose the Earthquakes - Keep the FaultsFill the oceans without the salt

- Five For Fighting


The thought on my mind…quite similar.
As I left the city, a vague sort of unsettling gripped my gut, something very unlike the usual travel anxiety I have. Its gonna take a while untill I am back, weird, I cudnt help but feel I’d miss this place. Maybe not, maybe I was just too lazy for that entire transition untill I’d be a place where I can slumber again without having to spend the day travelling.
I reached the most dreaded place….the airport..I have a knack of makin a fool outta myself at this one place…every single time..every airport I step into…is it my fault?
Anyway…like always…I went in running only to discover I was at the wrong check in counter…and then to discover the right one I was standin at had a terminal prob jus wen it was my turn…until the third time I realised I hadnt screened my baggage…so ya…I FINALLY check in…to reach the security check where I feel terribly awkward with all the suspicious looks…for heavens sake…stop them…if i was actually caryying a bomb I wouldn’t give it away by looking so freaked!!....To top it airports are full of paranoid first time flyers…people who feel a boarding call is the be all and end all of things…and if they dint somehow jostle their way to the plane they’d miss it, little realising that the queque behind (and ahead) is their co-passengers. So I got pushed by one such paranoid woman in bright pink who jostled her way into pushin my poor laptop off the screenin to land, thankfully, in my hands….
Another I fail to figure out, is this, people on airports are constantly on phone calls, presuming, the louder they are the more important they appear, especially while on the coach to the plane, embracing their phones untill enough and more announcements have been made and the cabin crew has (almost) threatened them to switch their phones off.
I boarded the flight…after having exchanged looks with someone who either was or resembled my senior from school…a guy who I met just once, he sat next to me during my 10th standard boards….whoaa…kudos to my memory…I remember his name….my memory is a pain!
I was seated in between an elderly woman and a man perhaps in his forties…the woman extremely interested in where I was headed to in Bombay and the exact pages I would stop to look at while flipping through a magazine. Much to her bewilderment I din’t know where I was headed to, untill I remembered the remote mention of Chembur in my conversation with dad at some point. I turned to her relieved and spurted out the information carefuly, until I get yet another glance of ‘Now you are making it up, and I’ve discovered you aint no resident there’.

I like to sleep through flights…and wake up to a destination..right at landing….and I love take offs…its as thrilling as a roller coaster…infact more…the sense of speed…and that split second of weightlesness …until you soar above…leaving a city behind…the aerial view…at dusk…is the most beautiful you get to see…..twilight…mixed with the little articial lights…making the sky look magical…and everything below…fading into darkness….yet identifiable against the background of the sunset. I marvel at my own ability to recognize buildings from that height…entire areas…bridges…roads….its amazing. It gave me a sense of comfort, a familiarity, an attachment I haven’t felt with a city in a long time, the last time I felt that way was when I crossed the Palace gates at Baroda to leave…forever perhaps…I cudnt hold those tears back…I felt something similar….something close…
A few days,I was at the threshold trying to decide which side my world for the rest of the year will be, today I felt doubtless….happy…about my decisions…looking forward already…to being back…to something which isnt, perhaps will never be ‘home’ but was getting closer and closer to the bare minimum that would make me call a place that.
I was leaving, suddenly I dint feel like, a strange wish, of wanting to turn things back which stayed…making me heavy untill I fell asleep.

I woke up..well in advance of the landing, sleepy..cranky like I am when I wake up without someone familiar around.
A while…tea sipped…magazine flipped through twice and given up at….keeping my eyes off the old woman’s gaze I looked down…from the window….as we circled Mumbai…the darknes…the lights…the high rise buildings…each one of them…siginificant yet lost in the huge sea of their likes…reminding me of the last scene of the movie ‘Babel’…unforgettable…and I could feel it…see it…everything fade into the larger picture..slowly…significantly…I felt small, insignificant…unwelcome…to something so huge…I’ve always been put off by the pretentiousness that forms the staple of this place, of how living in anonymity doesn’t seem to bother people, and how perhaps they are unmindfull of the anonymity that surrounds them all the time, through the distances the city houses.
I’ve secretly desired to live here, to give myself just enough time to taste this feeling, of being no one….to anything…or anyone around…to be one amongst a million others…to make a place for myself…here…in this city of dreams. I can’t get myself to, I can’t seem to want more than I have/ will have. One profound life, in a distinctly familiar world, that recognizes your presence beyond your outwardness, beneath the realm of your thoughts, categorising at times, widening at most,paving a way, throwing things your way, getting you addicted….to life…to yourself…its just the kind of world I want
Very reluctantly to myself, I admit I've found it in the least expected ways, throught these times, there's no place I'd rather be than here.

Its True!!!

Its been the happiest day.....everything...every effort I made has paid off...
yet its an end...an end to a whole life...the beginning of the new...the fear of the unknown...the looking back...the smiling....the reasons...its been a roller coaster...all worthwhile...to this day...i've smiled....i've laughed....i wanna scream...for myself....for all that i have...for all those I love, love so much I cant express...for all that I wish I had....for all those who I left behind...who left me behind....
Its soon...its been too soon....time flies....pinch me...it doesnt seep....
playing in the background...trying to find myself- lifehouse...cudnt get more apt...yet another coincidence....
all the talkin...makin myself believe....of another phase...passed....
the time...i gave myself....the time...that made me think...gives me a high...
I wept....cried....hard...it hurt...it felt....its me...its true...!!!...
Cheers to today...to yesterday that started it...cheers to ME!!!!!

Here...now....

Its ironic how one of the most hilarious movies I have watched can make me write a post of this sort, the nature of things around you sometimes makes you perceive things in a context that goes either completely with or against them, or perhaps it is true that coincidences happen to be the most inherent part of our lives, something, someone always makes those things happen that make you wanna smile to yourself when no one’s looking and go ‘No one can really understand that’.
Coming back to the movie, ‘Outsourced’ as it was called is based on the increasing trend of BPOs in the country, which has reached an extent of having penetrated villages and redefined the basis of its functioning, with minimum resources and man power, anyway all this is more history now. I would love to review this movie, but I guess I’ll leave that for later, movies can wait!
Three long years in a city, life, freedom redefined, it has been a quest, of wanting to learn, to grow while still surviving each day, it continues in a way except when I decide to look back. To all the things and times I detested, to all those people who seemed to be no more than a farce of existence around me, so different from ‘home’, though home is something I have never really been able to define, a lil sense of belonging is all it takes, anything beyond is only for the dreams. Life moved, one step at a time, the periods of stagnation being the longest, seeming so at least, things changed, gradually, then rapidly from time being a boulder needing clearing to it turning into the rarest of those commodities.
It was only a few years until I am back at the threshold, time zooping past closer to it, looking back into an abyss, with no memory of where it all began, with no signs of being able to trace the end. Change has been a constant, perhaps the only thing that was/ is, times went past, people, places, homes…houses rather…relationships built, broken, lingering, straining, to newer ones, snapped, scraped. Maybe they mattered, maybe they do, the moments hold, memory fails to deceive you.
The utter eventfulness of the past year, thinking about it can drive me into madness, of how rapid events, pitfalls, rewards, brought things to what they are today, a perfect jigsaw, a complete picture, yet visibly separable at the borders.
I wish sometimes, to prize apart every one of them, in the order to trace things back, reverse a few, perhaps not.
Everything is relative, there aint nothing greater or smaller without that, just how you never realize how far ahead you have moved until you look back at someone/ something you left behind.
Learnings of the city, of times, of people found, people lost and a rare few found again, above all myself, its been a journey of odds, its now time for realization, for once looking around and not behind, for once at the ones who stayed and not those who left, for all that which fills my treasure box every single day making it deeper and deeper.
Time is a factor, so is a place, circumstances, events, coincidental, people a result of all put together, living, loving, leaving you with lil moments all along.
What lies ahead, and what behind, the spaces I fill, the vacuum I still create, doesn’t seem to matter. Wishing for nothing more than I have now, for no one to fill the gaps left, for all those who are around, I wake up each morning wanting to live the day. Could there be anything/ anywhere better?

they were signs

I miss the rain
Did it rain?
They were signs
Mebbe I woke up
a few times, dint matter
dreams persist
between wakefulness
dream back, the rythm
no full stops
the little jitters
ease, comfort, fright
they were signs
the fullness, plush
devoid of a lack
and the attempts
and the cries
all missing? all complete?
profound....neither
dawn speaks, reminds
its bright, its day they say
i need the sleep
i need the time
takes a while
signs again...
look back, perhaps not
memory's a faint tool
scrapes the wrong places
distance...acceptance
live on, grow up
takes a day
only one
untill you know its come
untill time binds
its a thin line
and blindfolded,
you step over
silence, not that kind
the uneasy one
transparent, visual only
not enough?
perhaps, it feels
distance numbs?
hardly, perhaps
recognition fails
ability to connect, time
they are few
they live on, they grow
with you, even without you
they come back
wake you up
people? never is
its change
the thought of it
the antecipation
the words, trivial ones
look back
smile, another day?
another change!
tiring, the slumber
consistency
the only comfort
questions
not again!!!

The (post) rant

And the hangover remains...the only thing that does...perhaps and the emptiness...the evenings...
Life's back on the move....literally....3 days since I've been home...and now that I am...it seems lost...the preoccupation begins....weird thing....the running things/ events through your mind of what has been happening and what you are gonna do...keeps me so occupied at times...I forget to react...seriously...is it only me?...and those notepads to list down the things I have to do never help...I lose them every friggin time...and ya...those purple post it notes on my yellow wall...they remind me of the least important tasks...coz the most important ones always fly away...land upside down on the floor..creating a 'purple' mess and proving Murphy right...yet again!...Murphy you are god....I accept...its time the rest of the world did too...
So...from the 3 day dreaded joblesness...which seemed to pass quicker than ever....with more to do than I could ever imagine...I am back in work mode...a launch to look forward to...those huge hoardings at every possible nook an corner...that go 'Next Change?'...give me a sense of satisfaction...even sadistic pleasure...of the insecurities it has brought to a lotta ppl in town...I cant help but look up everytime to each one of those boards....and smile with a wink....its gonna be BIG...real BIG...and we all secretly look forward to the official beginning of the battle ;)....mebbe jus the stepping into the battleground....its been a while since it began....
Hope to stay here...hope to see it happen....though the fear of being idle makes me rethink....ironically...it never really happens!!....life is about packed days (and nights)....and I conclude it will NEVER change...hmph!...
And ya....I am working for the BIG day....and I will be a part of it...in print of not in person...hush hush...yay!...
An 'art' story....been a while...a dreaded afternoon drive inclusive...yet...the excitement is back...craving to get started....the rest in paper....21st april.... :)...
For those who doubted, continue to doubt me at this....m supposed to be working on some tech crap....oops...a tech story....ironical...I cant get myself to operate my own goddamn phone....hats off to those in office who continue to trust my writin...despite bein at my worst...and ignoring all the threats of 'I'll kill you if you don't send me the story'....I love you guys for not adding to the mess in my brains....
the rest remains the same....being on the run....exploring the slightest opportunities for the much needed quotes...regardless of what or how important the topic of conversation at that point may be....lil visits from friends...lil surprises...make way for those unexpected smiles...
and the ranting shall never end...arent blogs meant for it?...
anyway...go on...live....stay put...give in....stop by sometimes and smile....life comes a full circle....there's no escape....I am where I can see the beginning...distant yet clear....hurrah!....

It IS the TRUTH

Witness the The TRUTH...on the 27th and 29th....
at Sivagami Pethachi Auditorium...
Its World Theatre Day!!!.....and its finally here....

the journey

And times pass....and days go by...
and lil moments....the changes that v watched...grew with....turned a part of...
the reading...the laughing....the stupidity....the profoundness....
the screaming...liberation...insight....the days...the days that seemed shorter....that u wish u cud hold on to...
the trust...the bonds....the pushing each other forward....
the break downs...the frustrations...the surge...the emotions left behind...the emotions that built....
the cigarettes....the spell....the shortlivedness of it...the longing...the overcoming...the surges...the control...the memories....the tokens...
the flowers....the downfalls....the sensitivity....removed yet evident...
the wanting...the craving....the counting days....the wait....the fear of the end....the longing for the day...the fear of its end....
fusion...recluse....remains...revisits...past...present...days gone by...days to come....days that might never come....
its like a life lived...a journey...the end seems distant...its not far away...

Only if I had a title enough!

'Hear yourself speak'....ever heard someone say this to you...perhaps yes...but how often does it actually make you think and do what it really means....said to me in a completely different context by an absolutely different person who probably has no relation to what I am talking about (or perhaps he does)...leaving it at that anyway...no direct relation...
But ya....I've tried doing that...speak out loud...not conscious of what you speak...but conscious while you speak those words...its alarming...especially now...
Sometimes you see a little....perhaps a lot of someone brush off on you...so much so that...when you speak those words you can almost hear them say it....jus the way you did...rather just the way they would have (the 'way' aint yours anyway)....like those conversations when you narrate something to someone...and both those involved in the conversation know the third person...its a picture that emerges in your mind...so perfectly imaginable...
Its this that I've been feeling lately...those words come out....and make me freeze the moment they do...and I wish I could say this aloud...but there are things that can't be understood...related to...but I feel like giving myself that lil whack and say....did you just say this?....and didn't it just sound soooooooooo like him.....so friggin like he'd have said it....ah!....this post is probably quite incomprehensible...but what the fuck...now that I've begun I guess I'll finish it to satisfy myself...
its very strange...n then you begin making efforts...to sound like yourself...all the time...and then it makes you try and shut yourself up...which is very very torturous for those like me who'd die without the yapping....actually not so true....but ya...thats how I am with most people...and I'd like them to know me that way....silence is more expressive...and works only wen someone fills it up without actually putting in those words....anyway...these are just diversions...blame my being completely disoriented...with those sudden highs and lows...the times in between these extremes make me wonder what I should be doing...
And again...there are things running thru your mind...like those mental flashbacks...split seconds at a time...n u seem to remember tiny things...gestures...looks given..exchanged...n they seem all muted...the words are a blurr...not all though...the words which felt like you'd remember them for a lifetime...but no...its not those...its those tiny things that remind you...its those things that come to you and make you relate them to every thing you say or do....every visual that your eyes witness...every thing that passes by...your thoughts just seem programmed to pick out of a particular slot and relate every moment to it...its just weird...
you really wanna erase that part of your mind...like it never existed...and skip to another...and start all over again...conscious....speculative...and yet everytime your words sound like its him who spoke them...it makes you smile...and every lil trip back into memory...gives you a rush...and you only wish your memory was more in your control...yet secretly hope it never really was...

To these times

How often do you get to see those extremes in your life?
From the moment when everything came crashing, the brief lonely spell, the most dreaded…to the surge of people, making their presence felt, crying with you, laughing, holding you together, making you realize your worth and much more…
From the lows of losing it all, all that you have ever earned…to raising a notch above where you were placed, giving you a high…
Three days, every hour, every moment, lived, remembered, and cherished, to be etched in memory for time to come…
When you long for yourself, for those reasons, for control, for that rush, when you could die just to feel alive…
cheers to this life…to all these times…and for those to come
This is what it takes…perhaps…just to feel…alive!

addiction(s)

Amongst others pain is an addiction...and unlike others....it never fails to give you that kick

Yesterday

I lay here….just like I did…but alone..
The music plays…the same one that did…it was just yesterday…I miss it already
Felt so complete…them…me…things said…and those unsaid…
The cup of tea lies abandoned…
Bliss he called it…bliss it was
And the emptiness now…

On days like these.

Sometimes I feel like the luckiest person on earth, writing, writing my heart out and having people read it, respond, and at so many times recognize you by it, its a great feeling. Makes you feel on top of the world, the fact that you define peoples’ staple for the morning, their views, a lot of their conversation, times when you make an impact. And at more times than this it feels like a responsibility that you carry on your shoulders all the time something weighing you down, making you feel you just can’t take your life easy. Nothing can be excused, misinterpretations, analysis, bias. Trying hardest to come out with the truth, precise yet complete, there’s a typical low I experience before I put pen to paper, rather fingers to keypad (blame technology for making us lose such phrases). Like now, I have it all, everything in place, the data collected over hours of calls, quotes obtained after having put up with a million tantrums by so many people. All it needs now, is the consolidation, the writing, the (very) little bit of creativity (almost restricted to the beginning and the end) and the flow. Its weird when your mind just refuses to wanna write, flip sides of writing for a living I presume. Writing for a hobby, for expression, for covering up those vocal limitations, is such an inherent yet a voluntary part of our lives, when forced to with a set audience hits differently, a sort of stage fear, when you go weak in the knees at the thought of the world watching you, judging you by it. And being in the field, there’s little liberty, no lack of inspiration, no writer’s block can ever be excused, you, are expected to be like the machines churning out the crap you write, giving out the same quality, the same amount of work, infact even the little personal touch with every story. Such are times when you wanna sit back, relax, read, write perhaps, vague things, everything except what you are ‘supposed’ to write about, like now.
Three stories await my attention, my completion, and the night’s calm, the music, the supple, perfect weather, everything seems so deprived of the power to inspire you, to make you write, the way you are wanted to, those perfectly chosen words, the lack of (almost) perception, the objectivity, and yet again the responsibility.
I want to write, I wanna continue writing, just this way, where I can write what I feel, where I am myself, devoid of the fear of judgment, the demands. Being fed with the right things to say, the way to do so, I am now itching, itching to be heard, as myself, with everything that I wish to say. It’s a game, the one with words, and I am addicted.

Ummm..music?

Music is back in my life…

Perception changing constantly

Feelin the same way

Running through my head…

Feeling the same way all over again
Singing the same lines all over again
No matter how much I pretend
No matter how much I pretend
                                      - Norah Jones

Will this pass?

I've started talking less, or rather stopped speaking as much as I used to, explains the staying away from blogging for a while. Its perhaps coz I don't feel like doing so or maybe just don't find the need to. There are times, rather phases in your life when you wanna talk, loud, to be heard, to be understood and others when you just want the silence to seep deeper, deep enough to your core to let all that has happened slowly engulf you. There are times when you lose your own grounding, the very thing that defines who you are, makes you feel yourself and then you don't want to speak up, you want it to stay, to heal it all you need to feel it first, sooner or later you know its coming to get you. You feel like holding your breath, to let it settle, to numb yourself, and the moment you let go, you feel it, a gash harder and deeper than you imagined. And then, nothing helps, talking the least. Much worse than it seemed at the surface. You tend to look around observe, you get to know people, things about them, the way you never did, you notice things about them, eventually about yourself. Surprised at your own gestures, what they convey, the way they do you wanna call all those words trivial, all those ever said or heard. Watching, feeling and reliving everything in my head, its another world coinciding with the reality that holds you, tries to grip you, losing grip and failing every moment. I know it'l be over soon, and the light isn't too far away, it won't be long before I 'speak up' again. Listening, watching, feeling, living there's not much that remains unexpressed, the eyes betray you more often than not, mindful of the rest of you. I wait, and wait longer to wake up to another day, another world, for the numbness, yet wanting more of this phase, of letting it pierce, shake me up and remind me of what I am. Or will this as they say just pass?

Beyond the window

Little as I was far far away,
Dreary and puffy eyed,
Beyond the windows it lay
I looked, I smelt, trying
To taste it in some way
Felt like an illusion
Of sleeplessness,
Long hours of prying
Until one day, I stumbled
Across reality,
The world they called ‘real’
A dream it seemed like
With those who rushed past, and
Those who wished to stay
Lurking inside, the pleasure of return
Staring at the window,
On the outside this once
Hopeful longing of
A past preserved
Wishing to turn around
To run, to leap into it
With every step taken,
Every addition to the distance
Blurred, yet sights of the window,
And beyond beckoned
Fast forward
I still look back, my eyes
Are weak with the strain
Of living, perhaps trying
Every act of,
Keeping oneself alive
Of treading on the same path
Outwards
Of losing ground, with every step
Of trying to fly,
To return to that day,
When the world outside, lay
Forbidden by the walls.

Wake up!

Ever done something outta sheer impulse? Ever just stepped out, left everything that was more than just important almost necessary and followed your heart? Ever felt the excitement that runs through you outta the unexpectedness of your reactions? You get back to the 'task' of life and realise, regret, look back at how things would be otherwise, yet take pleasure in your decisions, that little time when you could cut yourself off to do silly things and smile like a kid, like waking up to the sound of rain on your window sill and looking around giving yourself the liberty of a few more minutes of slumber when you can least afford to. Just being impulsive for a few minutes can make you feel so alive, so much different from the so-called lives we force ourselves into. Step out, feel the wind, everything can wait, but these moments.                P.S:- Thanks Caesar, it took that little push to wake me up :)                                                                    

Freedom

The winding roads, the narrow lil path
an endless expanse...
standing at the edge
atop the ruined abode...those heights
and all that lay below
felt a power, a strange line
the one between holding on and stepping over
I want to stand there and scream
to stay there and close my eyes
to feel the wind
to look down and not shiver
to stand there...somewhere so beautiful
in oblivion, myself, no thoughts
no memories rushin thru
to switch the mind away from sight
for flash seconds
like dysfunctional picture tubes
no craving to hear, to speak, to touch, to feel
to not wanna look behind
or forward.
beneath...there it lies...
freedom...