a new year

A new year they say
Wake me up, pinch me
Nothing around feels quite 'new'
Reminiscence, not quite
It still feels like yesterday

A lil surprise

It happens everytime, when nothing seems right. Of days of highs and lows, of days spent wondering why does everything always go wrong. On the worst of them all, when I am slowly giving up, giving in and letting it all go.
From miles across, out of sheer instinct.....and my phone rings.....a while a mellow...and things seem to get figured out. The transition perfect, like always, the smile to the genuine laugh. Regrets remain of a lot unsaid, of times that should have been, of things that should be sorted. But all comes later, those few minutes are of being lost, of laughing hard, of letting the tears trickle, of being the kid again.
Its enough to get me convinced, distances don't matter, not those measured in miles at least.

A 'merry' Christmas

For all those who know me and have spoken to me in the past month, have in some way or the other sensed the Christmas excitement, most of those who spend time chatting with me have jheloed (I coudn't find an equally appropriate english word) my puppy faced, looking for santa talks. It all began with the Christmas issue stories forced on me....the enormous 'Michael hunt' and the 'food story' which did turn out interesting. So, ya....this made the entire spirit seep in and make me wanna do something big this time. Began with a coupla Xmas gifts for family...stupid stuff that could be laughed on...red clothes for myself (read red with white polka dots :P)...a santa hat after all the effort in finding one for which I wasn't required to buy the sleazy, slutty Xmas dress(no offence)...
All this in place...and after all the doses of so called 'anglical talk' it was certain Xmas wasnt gonna be ordinary, not the Xmas meal in the slightest way. As they usually do, my tantrums helped, and in no time my folks were convinced I'l make them dinner that nite....despite the speculative yes from mom and her exploring 'disaster management' options at the back of her mind.
So that was that, Xmas eve began with the usual waking up late (trust me....it was 'late')...and a movie at night...which drove each of us to tears and stuff...never mind.
The 3 of us got back and when reached our gate exclaimed together....its Xmas....a few exchanged looks and we decided we should pay the city church a visit just for the 'feel' of the liveliness. Off we went, having not lived here, we(me and bro) realised we'd have to ask someone. Desperate call to mom, "Ma, where's the church?" With all the are you crazy why are you going there right now she replied giving up, "Turn right from the petrol pump and go to where the road takes you next to ******uncle's place".
Click ...and off we go...the right turn taken with utmost confidence after having spotted the petrol pump in pitch darkness. We had no idea what we were in for, shocked to see a colony with a maze of roads...we took the most likely direction....ad kept doing that for a while until we realised going on our instincts to find a church at 12:30 wasn't such a brilliant idea. The easiest way I said would be look out for the cross...with lights as I presumed it would be on Xmas eve. I recieved instant approval and was allowed to navigate following a light for a while untill bro discovered we were following a light that belonged to a TV tower. Giving up on me rolling with laughter at my own blunder he pulled over next to a poor Chowkidaar wrapped in I don't know how many shawls to ask "Bhaiya yahan church kahaan hai?"
To which he goes " Aap yahan kaise aa gaye?" I burst out laughing.
Bro goes," Bhaiya ab yahan se bataa do hum pahunch jaayenge".
"Go straight and turn left and you should find the church".
Obdeintly my bro goes straight down from where we met him....takes the first left and immediately after..takes the first left again...only to see the chowkidaar at a not-so-far from the car distance standing in the middle of the road and waving out with both his hands.
" Seedha jaake left fir seedha...fir left nahi...seedha jaane ka...yahan gol gol nahi ghoomne ka", he says...to which I burst out laughing...my bro quite offended with the remark spurted out without much realisation
"Par jaana kahaan hai?" and it sent all his audience rolling into laughter....included the poor chowkidaar...
After much effort....we reached a place...which had people crowded inside reciting prayers...numerous cars outside ...lights and stuff...we got out confidently and took a peak inside. It was just before stepping in that we checked the name at the door and paid a little attention to the interiors and saw idols of Hindu gods placed inside. Walking out in utter embarssment, bro gave up at the midnight Church idea...and I threw a few tantrums...nothing more than one puppy faced expression with a 'Please, it'll be nice'...we set out again....after about 20 more minutes of following all kinds of lights we spotted a familiar house...called mom "Ma, *****uncle ke ghar se church kaise jaate hain?" (and this uncle wasn't the previously mentioned uncle who lives almost opposite the church) Not realising we had had enough of being asked such questions ma answered "*****uncle ke ghar se church kisko jaana hai?"....thankfully without more than a few words of explanations mom guided us...we discovered not one but two of them in a while.
The fact that they were closed on Christmas eve didn't seem to matter all that much, having found them was an achievement in itself. A little look at the crib and the decorations outside and we were back on task 2...how to find our way back home...but that's another story...for another time...this one's been long enough.
And ya...the dinner turned out nice..'late' though...and slightly spicier or rather just spicier than what I expected...and needed a few glasses of something(read juice) to be gulped along...but all the same it was 'edible'.....good enough...aint it?.....

Sob sob

Two weeks of endless work, the search for all the Michaels in town and the torturing Catholic families to make them reveal what they plan to eat this Christmas, and the story doesn't come. Space issues they say and make you feel your work was good enough. Good enough?...not better than a few other good things(read ads) though. Sob sob....
Someone is leaving....more reason to weep....loads....
Are these reasons enough to spend the rest of the week(read year) spent lazy without any work ?:P...
Ah!...its Christmas....n I've had a christmas gift worth jumping with excitement about. Thanks to someone....though...Woh Mario mein kuch toh fight hai...jump karte karte har baar mar jaata hai...aur bhaashan deta hai....
Anyway...a merry christmas and hope I get something to stop the sobs for all the Bible reading I've done :P....

Life's little joys

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Home again

There is so much to rant about, so much that happens every day that I'm dying to write about, yet once the day is done you never feel the same....never strong enough to write the way you had wanted to.Something just feels distant, unreal and an attempt to create the feeling that once existed in you but faded, with time and settlet as pieces of visual memory, like those small parts of a movie that stick to your mind days after you have seen it. No I am not going to spend hours blogging about why I am not blogging about all that should be blogged about.Sigh!
Anyway, I suddenly have all the time, all the space and a better computer which doesnt eat up my words. Its a great feeling to see this hateful thing being nice to me. Its cold outside, not as cold as I'd like it to be but cold all the same. The wind feels nice, so do the blankets that keep you from it. Its time for all those things that feel good. The beautifully textured clothes, the hot coffee, the warmth of being indoors, the wind outside, the sunlight that feels good for a change, occassional though, the clouds...its all so beautiful.
I shall write, a whole lot, with a little more time at hand....the last few traces of work need to go away. Its been a while.....

crazy things

My throat is so so fucked, its funny I cant quite speak normally untill every afternoon. After more than a week I've finally decided to do something about it.I have a doc to see tomo.....I have developed a strange obsession with this set of tattoo pens that I bought for my 2 year old cuz and never gave it to him coz I loved them so much myself....but its real fun.....to just play with them and draw glittery cute things over your hands. I know I am sounding like I have lost my mind, perhaps I have....but see them before you conclude so :P. I am going for a play tomorrow.yayay!!!(dances away)

of wat i've been doing

Listening to Lazarus (over and over gain) and stars Die by Porcupine tree, The drugs dont work. Reading random crap on documentaries. Trying real hard to make one. Driving like thats the only pleasure I have. Watching arbit movies and trying hard to keep awake thru them. Finally got myself rid of a hangover that seemed to last forever.Sleeping, waking up in between random dreams with random thoughts to sleep and go 
back to them again. Going places alone, walking a lot, talking to myself, humming lazarus.....thats me for a while!

and time passes...

It takes a while for hope to seep in, for you to see the other side of things, to realise this is not it. Life takes its time to make you feel, to let it strike, to let it heal. Like those lights you drive past, sitting inside a car surrounded by just whats inside, comforted, numb and unmindful of what will rush in the moment you roll down the barriers. Sudden feelings are unwelcome, most feared, shocks, even surprises. You dread, you anticipate. Its all uneasy, never as comforting as something smooth and flowing, something thats no natural that you fail to realise its things happening one after the other. The links sometimes get so covered, so well hidden, their existence seems frail until you stop by to consciously piece them out. You wake up one fine day to let it hit you, to look back and see so much has passed. You suddenly wanna feel it all, every moment, nice or unpleasant, you just wanna feel it happen, feel it pass, not just watch it go while you remain numb. Your actions just dont feel like your own, something mechanical that just happens, which you probably could but for some strange reason exercise no control over. You talk but your words dont sound your own, you speak coz you gotta be spoken to. You live coz its a habit. Until the day everything crashes on you, all the time passed, all that has happened, every word spoken, every effect its brought along, but the transitions are missing. They just dint strike when they were to. All you know at the end of it is, you cant turn back, you cant feel it happen, and you cant watch it happen again. You just remain secretely glad of the time that has passed. Waiting for hope to set in, waiting to anticipate, to fear, to feel, the coldeness, the warmth.